What started off as a trend, became a real testimony for me. It’s so easy to be blinded by someone you’re in love with. Well, I was an unfocused camera, blurry, and I needed to adjust the lens. I was left to face the picture before my eyes and I couldn’t deny what I saw…someone broken, confused, tired, and alone. I saw me, but it was a me I didn’t recognize…HOW DID I GET HERE? I could’ve walked away, but I stayed because I LOVED HIM and I knew he had to love me just as much, right? Isn’t that how love works? Girl loves boy, boy loves girl, it’s all equal, right?
Falling for a guy at a young age I learned a lot and the biggest lesson of all was I WAS NOT READY! As a young teen, I was naturally stubborn. I felt like I had everything under control, but the truth is I was slipping and giving up parts of myself because of this word called ‘LOVE’.But aren’t you supposed to sacrifice in love? I was raised to wait until marriage, but at 16 the pressure was real. The guy I was with knew I was waiting, but he never told me he was willing to wait for me. (BOOM! Sign #1) Instead he puts me in a compromising position and I wasn’t ready to let him go. I mean what’s a vow to God…compared to your boyfriend? I made an irrational decision because I didn’t know God for myself and I thought I could handle it. My mother had always told me to wait, but in my head what does she know about being 16 and having a boyfriend that you didn’t want to lose! (Sign #2 If you cannot talk to your parents about it, then you may not be ready)I gave in. I gave in to the pressure of pleasing him before myself. I gave in to sacrificing my beliefs for him. I gave in to compromising myself for him. And I thought sacrificing,compromising, and pleasing were all acts of LOVE.
So, it happened, we had sex. As the years rolled by I started to feel empty and the more we had sex the emptier I felt. To me sex was more than a physical feeling, but a spiritual union. In my heart, I felt we became one, he was mines and only for me and I was his. A mindset that cost me 6 years of NOT MOVING ON!
I was tied to the same guy for six years, and not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually. He became my god. Everything I thought, felt, wanted was influenced by him in some way. I was losing myself… It wasn’t until I had an encounter with God that I woke up and saw an image of the girl I was becoming. I was sinking and all I could see was His hand pulling me out. I remember my pastor saying, “You will never be the same, if I go back, it’s my choice.” These words haunted me, I didn’t want to go back to that girl, but I didn’t want to lose my boyfriend either. (Sign #3 Lifestyle conflicts with beliefs)
After my encounter with God, I decided I didn’t want to go back. I figured I could work my way around what I needed to do and still have him. I decided to be celibate. Solves all my problems, right?NOT AT ALL… I tell him I want us to be celibate and he had the nerve to not agree with my decision.
…But he’s supposed to support, sacrifice, compromise, and please me! For a while we did try to have a celibate relationship, but it only ended with me giving in to his needs. Who was there to support me?
The Start of Something New
Although I felt alone, I was never alone, God was ALWAYS there. He was there comforting, holding, and keeping me. He knew I wasn’t ready to let go, but He never left, He never stopped LOVING me. That’s the kind of love I wanted and needed. That’s the kind of love that my boyfriend was not capable of giving me…Love is not supposed to hurt, or make you feel lonely, but I felt both of those things even after sharing my body with him…Premarital sex was not worth it… A few moments of pleasure could not replace my feelings of not being ENOUGH for him.
Honestly, I was a girl who loss her father at a young age and was looking to replace that void. So I put pressure on him. I placed expectations on him, that he wasn’t capable of fulfilling.
- I expected him to always be there
- I expected him to love God as much as me
- I expected him to want to wait for me
- I expected him to be celibate
- I expected him to not leave me
…I expected him to sacrifice, compromise, and please me the same way I sacrificed, compromised, and pleased him.
The truth is you can’t make a person be the person you want them to be, that’s not a relationship. I tolerated what he wasn’t capable of because I loved him and I put so much time into the relationship. I grew complacent because I didn’t want to start over. Each year we grew, but we were growing a part, not together. He wanted what he wanted and I wanted what I wanted. In the end no one was bending for the other. We both grew tired of having the same arguments, same frustrations, hearing the same apologies.
I wanted more, I deserved more, can I really do it this time, let him go?